Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
