I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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