So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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