Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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