Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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