Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
