Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
