dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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