So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In other news, I just burned my penis
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
