i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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