how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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