Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
