I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize