White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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