The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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