Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize