Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We got so high we made milksteak
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize