Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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