yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
