I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
