I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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