even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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