you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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