woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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