you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
