If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
not ubering you a puppy
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
