maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
