His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
