hotel room ftw
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
