just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
