apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
