do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize