I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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