im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
