Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
