omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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