i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
When are your genitals available?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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