Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
