You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
