Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
