i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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