I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
