I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
