and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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