Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
