I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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