dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
