thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
