i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize