I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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