I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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