Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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