I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
