she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
