he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
