A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
