He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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