She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I did not marry a roomba.
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