Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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