YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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