I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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