My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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