I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
