one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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