Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize